ignorance is bliss...

It's amazing how happiness can deteriorate so unnoticeably. It is so easy to let happiness slip away inch by inch and let it be replaced with complacency. Today it as if my eyes have been opened to the state my life is in.

Its hard to pinpoint when things started going downhill, all of a sudden things have just spiraled out of control. I am barely even a shell of the person I was, or desire to be, or something. All thats left is some kind of mask that put on for others so as not to appear to be struggling, or unhappy. Eventually the mask begins to crack and you starting and doing things that aren't you (or maybe are more you than you would like to admit).

For the past year I have been lonely and isolationist.... compartmentalizing my life and showing people what I think they want to see. If you don't admit you have a problem it doesn't exist. Eventually this hopelessness begins to consume, the idea that this is how things must be, this is as good as it gets keeps repeating until you accept it and don't even realize it. I am not exactly sure how I ended up here but now that I realize where here is maybe I can begin find my way back to the place where God would have me be.