Discipleship

What is discipleship?? Curiously absent from most of my church life, I am suddenly realizing that being a disciple is more than accepting the gift of salvation, but to what end? Who then shall be my discipler should it be fellow traveler in the faith, a mentor figure? or the Holy Spirit?

How do I become a disciple? Can I disciple someone else, at what point in my faith journey? What role does the church play in this?

ignorance is bliss...

It's amazing how happiness can deteriorate so unnoticeably. It is so easy to let happiness slip away inch by inch and let it be replaced with complacency. Today it as if my eyes have been opened to the state my life is in.

Its hard to pinpoint when things started going downhill, all of a sudden things have just spiraled out of control. I am barely even a shell of the person I was, or desire to be, or something. All thats left is some kind of mask that put on for others so as not to appear to be struggling, or unhappy. Eventually the mask begins to crack and you starting and doing things that aren't you (or maybe are more you than you would like to admit).

For the past year I have been lonely and isolationist.... compartmentalizing my life and showing people what I think they want to see. If you don't admit you have a problem it doesn't exist. Eventually this hopelessness begins to consume, the idea that this is how things must be, this is as good as it gets keeps repeating until you accept it and don't even realize it. I am not exactly sure how I ended up here but now that I realize where here is maybe I can begin find my way back to the place where God would have me be.

so we went to look for a place to live on saturday... i knew that it probably wouldn't be as easy as last time but someone could have given me some warning. you wouldn't think finding a 3-bedroom place for early to mid-may would be so difficult, but you would be wrong.

the place we liked best has an apartment available now and thats pretty much it. so yesterday i was pretty much prepared to go give them all my money to secure the place when this lady called janna about a townhouse which sounded super. so we are supposed to go view the townhouse wednesday.... so we are waiting to see what happens, not my ideal situation because we are prob going to lose the apartment and then if things don't workout at the townhouse, i am not really sure where that leaves us.

i guess thats where God comes in, and you know that whole trusting in him thing... i just felt so overwhelmed on saturday like i have to pay and move like in 2 weeks and all of sudden everything is closing in.... just when my life seems to be falling into place and evening out.

of course it is a HUGE reminder that God has to be in control of everything and i can't be complacent in my trust and faith in Him, because He knows that I cannot do it myself. ( and when i forget He reminds me)

me vs. Christ

you know the problem with studying the Word, is that God starts revealing things to you and then you start thinking and feeling the sprouts of conviction and then you have to start making choices....

so i am reading through ephesians and am on my second day of chapter 4. and there is all kinds of good stuff in there, but the last 3 verses really got to me today.

"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption. Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, as tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ as forgiven you."

I was really struck with the idea of grieving the Holy Spirit... I mean I have this kind of distant idea in my mind you know oh when I "sin" that it upsets God. Queue parental I am so disappointed in you look, but the idea of causing the Holy Spirit to grieve, just *sigh*. Grieving is just this intense long process and the thought of me inflicting that upon anyone, let alone Christ, that is just a painful thought.